Just passed my first midterm, or quiz they call it in SBS. 30% of the module. After asking some of my polymate, we agree that its hard to maintain the same mindset we had in poly here in uni. If you find this offensive or yayapapaya, i'm sorry, thats the way we were inspired to be in poly. Last time, whenever we have something we dunno, we would approach the lecturer after lecture or in their office, they would gladly ans our question. The small classroom base lecture really faciliate this approach, where almost everyone knew each other, and we were never shy about voicing our problems. Here the lectures are so big, you just dun feel motivated to ask qns. Mayb its just that i lost my interest or motivation, but i feel in uni, reading the txtbk sometimes beats asking the lecturer, this apply to only some lecturers. How i miss the gd old poly days. You can just call the lecturer up in their room and ask if they are free, so much so we tend to subconsciously memorise their extention number.

When i was studying for this midterm, the content was so heavy compared to poly, so applying the basic principle of "must noe everyting to do well" for me, i had a hard time, mayb i m just plain dumb. I think its in the mindset, i just cant ingore the fact that i miss out some parts of the textbook, or lk at past yr and not noe how to ans them. Last time, the ability to know everything in the txtbk ease our anxiety. Now, it irritates me so much i push myself too hard. Initially i was worried about it, i tot i was a freak, having so many unhealthy thoughts. But recently i found out it wasnt only me having this adaptation problem. Many of us wanted to quit sch, becoz we cant find the source of motivation in maintaining such ridiculous mindset.

You might find me a freak, a geek, a mugger or anything equivalent. Some say that what we study now is not relavent. For me i have my dreams, nobody seems to understand them. They tell me i am pushing too hard, my mentally is so wrong, I had work so hard to come here from poly, i am not going to stop right here. Sometime i think about the future and ask myself, what i want to be, i have a idea, a ambitious dream, but somehow i fear i cant accomplish it. my motivation is leaking away, i need a sign to tell me i am right on track, to renew my motivation.

Another reason is the fact that all my female counterpart from poly seems to be doing so well, you just can ingore the stress to be on par with them. Poly had made me so competitive, its hard to really let go of it. I keep telling myself, it is myself i should be comparing to not others, but its hard to change the habit.

The good thing about this is, i dun feel sad or very negative about my life. Instead i feel good, i feel renewed. Here we have to read more papers, i find it more interesting than the textbk. Mayb i haven touch those erxin tough to understand papers yet. I am learning at a pace, i nv tot i would achieve, understanding concepts that i thought would be too hard in the past. The only regret for me, is my langugues standard, so far, it has been an obstacle for me. If only i went JC? nah, if i went there, i would never have been inspired by Dr yuan or be the Delon i am today.